hy folks. i've been attacked by laziness, so lazyy after the exams ended. i'm not busy at all, i open my netbook everyday as usual. but too lazy to write a new entry on my lovely yet pathetic blog. phew.
there's a day i've ever thought about life. and i want it all to be ordinary, finish school, college, get married & have 3 children. 2 girls and 1 boy. the first and the second is girl. the last one is boy. and i still think about it till now, but something change about that. i feel that i can't use my life, special life that has given by God, your creature, with an ordinary life. i have to be extraordinary. i have to be something. and sometimes i feel like a dummy to think something about this. i'm too young for this, and damn it's true. I'm afraid of death. i dunno where i belong after i close my eyes and stop breathing. hell or heaven? only God knows.
and in this life ,i hope that i was born with a cheerful character. like others, they can easily say 'i love you' words to their parents. easily. i want it but i can't. i am extremely prestige. and when i was a little i was extremely stolid. even my friends and teachers thought that i was an autism. yes it did hurt. but what can a stolid child say? she's too stolid to say a word. as you know i'm an indonesian born chinese. but i used to always speak indonesian to everyone, my friends, etc. and bcs of that simple thing, i was excommunicated by all of my friends. fck friends. i really hated em all. and yes, my bitterness started on that day. till now. but when i was in junior high school, i speak hokkien much,till now.but it still hurts. for people tried. to excommunicated you bcs of a different language.
and i always try to hide all of my bitterness. i try to be talkative and cheerful in my junior high school life. and people think that i'm impossible to cry. and it's killing me softly. even when i'm sad, i try to be happy coz when i cry once, people will think that i'm ridiculous. cause they know nothing. i feel so scared to be excommunicated like i used to be. being underestimate, being insult by those eyes. i scared to be alone. so fckin scared. and one day, when i feel like i was chasing my dream, someone broke it as easy as turning the palm of the hand. i won't say who. the most important person in my life. yep, she broke it. and that's the day i felt like my world is nothing, i felt like what i'm doing is useless.
my brain was blank. i was flying, yeap fly to hell. and i realized, that i can trust nobody. nobody. cause nobody knows, your past, your bitterness, and these isn't just my story. it's still a lot, a lot of bitterness that i can't spill it out here. now that feeling of scared has vanished. i'm not scared anymore, cause i don't need anybody. cause i can't trust anybody. i love to be alone, i'm in my world, there's just me, myself, and I. and when somebody/everybody criticize me, i will just stay quiet. i don't even feel guilty of their criticizes or judges, cause they know nothing about me. all of those bitterness, i keep it in my heart. and till now,it's killing me softly., but.. i've adapted with my condition and heart.
and how i wish i was born to be a bold person that too bold to say bad words and easily speak em out. 'fck you'. so i can blame all of my bitterness. and i did. in my heart.. nobody knows..
cause there's just me, myself, and I..
and try to say to myself, i'll be okay tomorrow.
I'll be okay tomorrow..
I Hope..
xoxo
there's a day i've ever thought about life. and i want it all to be ordinary, finish school, college, get married & have 3 children. 2 girls and 1 boy. the first and the second is girl. the last one is boy. and i still think about it till now, but something change about that. i feel that i can't use my life, special life that has given by God, your creature, with an ordinary life. i have to be extraordinary. i have to be something. and sometimes i feel like a dummy to think something about this. i'm too young for this, and damn it's true. I'm afraid of death. i dunno where i belong after i close my eyes and stop breathing. hell or heaven? only God knows.
and in this life ,i hope that i was born with a cheerful character. like others, they can easily say 'i love you' words to their parents. easily. i want it but i can't. i am extremely prestige. and when i was a little i was extremely stolid. even my friends and teachers thought that i was an autism. yes it did hurt. but what can a stolid child say? she's too stolid to say a word. as you know i'm an indonesian born chinese. but i used to always speak indonesian to everyone, my friends, etc. and bcs of that simple thing, i was excommunicated by all of my friends. fck friends. i really hated em all. and yes, my bitterness started on that day. till now. but when i was in junior high school, i speak hokkien much,till now.but it still hurts. for people tried. to excommunicated you bcs of a different language.
and i always try to hide all of my bitterness. i try to be talkative and cheerful in my junior high school life. and people think that i'm impossible to cry. and it's killing me softly. even when i'm sad, i try to be happy coz when i cry once, people will think that i'm ridiculous. cause they know nothing. i feel so scared to be excommunicated like i used to be. being underestimate, being insult by those eyes. i scared to be alone. so fckin scared. and one day, when i feel like i was chasing my dream, someone broke it as easy as turning the palm of the hand. i won't say who. the most important person in my life. yep, she broke it. and that's the day i felt like my world is nothing, i felt like what i'm doing is useless.
my brain was blank. i was flying, yeap fly to hell. and i realized, that i can trust nobody. nobody. cause nobody knows, your past, your bitterness, and these isn't just my story. it's still a lot, a lot of bitterness that i can't spill it out here. now that feeling of scared has vanished. i'm not scared anymore, cause i don't need anybody. cause i can't trust anybody. i love to be alone, i'm in my world, there's just me, myself, and I. and when somebody/everybody criticize me, i will just stay quiet. i don't even feel guilty of their criticizes or judges, cause they know nothing about me. all of those bitterness, i keep it in my heart. and till now,it's killing me softly., but.. i've adapted with my condition and heart.
and how i wish i was born to be a bold person that too bold to say bad words and easily speak em out. 'fck you'. so i can blame all of my bitterness. and i did. in my heart.. nobody knows..
cause there's just me, myself, and I..
and try to say to myself, i'll be okay tomorrow.
I'll be okay tomorrow..
I Hope..
xoxo
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